


What’s the opposite of a farmers tan??

by Karmirs



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Bea Pez and David are mentioned but aren’t featured, Crossdressing, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Henry is begrudgingly and hilariously receiving a spray tan, M/M, Swearing, Texting, idk i swear a lot, kinda. Like it’s a costume and gendered clothing is bs, language?? Maybe, spray Tan, thats it. That’s the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27172744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karmirs/pseuds/Karmirs
Summary: Bea convinces Henry to dress up for Halloween, but he’s having some technical issues with the costume and his tan lines.Or Henry begrudgingly and hilariously receiving a spray tan.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 8
Kudos: 72





	What’s the opposite of a farmers tan??

**Author's Note:**

> I blame every last one of you. I warned y’all that if no one else would take this on then I would.  
> And look.  
> Here we are.  
> You can only blame yourself.  
> No beta. All mistakes are mine and honestly idgaf. 
> 
> Anyway, some quotes taken straight from the book and all credit to Casey. And I know it says ‘hilariously’ in the summary, but that’s just the quote and I tried to make this light and funny, but John Mulaney I am not. Also I have no idea how to tag so please tell me if I need to tag anything. No tw that I can think of either, but let me know if there is. Also I struggled for so long trying to find a believable reason for Henry to get a spray tan and then I thought ‘oh, Halloween!’ and then it still sat in my wips. And now I’m spending a week in the south with my super republican family and desperately needed the serotonin and figured this would help. Anything to be in the RWRB timeline...

Wed, Oct. 30, 2:17P M

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be an only child?

A:  bea can’t be that bad. she rocks mcqueen and gucci better than pez. and can’t she play like every guitar known to man?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Those are true; however, at the moment, I am not placated by her fashion sense nor her musical prowess.

A:  and why’s that? she eat your last jabba cake?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Again, they’re Jaffa cakes. And, no. But I am currently in a state of discomfort due to her ill advised meddling.

A:  oh yay! what did she meddle in?

A:  no wait. let me guess

A:  she taught david to bark whenever you bring up sailing?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  No. What do you have against boys anyway?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Boats! I meant boats!

A:  ;) sure you did

A:  she sold that story of you yelling at a street performer because they didn’t know the difference between mozart and chopin to the daily mail?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  No!

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Wait. What?

A:  nvm but maybe stay away from the gossip rags this week..

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Oh, Lord.

A:  anyway...

A:  she deleted your coffee shop au star wars fanfic?

A:  luke...i have your latte...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  NO!!! Why do I even bother?

A:  ohhh. all caps AND exclamation points! are you going to spill or what?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Beatrice has decided I am accompanying her to a Halloween party.

A:  and what? you’re mad that she has the nerve to want to have fun?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Excuse you! I am loads of fun!

A:  sure sure. so what has your royal stick firmly rooted in your ass this time?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Ha. Ha.

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  And it’s not the party. It’s the costume she choose for me. It’s, well, let’s say it toes the line of modesty for a man of my stature.

A:  oh yeah?

A:  [unisex poop emoji costume.jpeg]

A:  nah. actually

A:  [men’s sexy king costume.jpeg]

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  You are the worst.

A:  im aware

A:  soooo????

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Keep in mind, Bea is very persuasive. And it’s a group costume. And there’s another bloke in the group. 

A:  ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  [spice girls group photo.jpeg]

A:  oh. my. god. 

A: ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Just get it over with. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  But keep in mind the party is fundraiser.

A:  i will keep that I mind....

A:  so bea has to be posh. assuming pez is ginger. that leaves....

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 : ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Baby.

A:  so like the flag dress and everything?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Unfortunately, yes.

A:  thats actually kinda awesome. but im a little shocked Prince Charming is being bested by a mildly revealing costume. worried your legs won’t last the night in heals? can’t you let yourroyal genes carry you through this travesty?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Out of all the things you allow autocorrect to capitalize you choose that.

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  And it’s not the shoes.

A:  again go on...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  So the dress is short. And lacking sleeves.

A:  you really have no idea what the rest of the world deals with...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Yes, I understand.

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Never mind.

A:  no wait. 

A:  tell me

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Are you sure? I honestly do not intend to diminish the actual suffering in the world.

A:  yeah. of course. i want to hear all the harrowing struggles of the monarch

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  You are the least comforting confidant.

A:  but I am

A:  a confidant.

A:  so spill

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  So Bea made me try it on and then shrieked with laughter. Legitimate screeching, Alex.

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  I thought David was going to bolt through the door from the pitch of it.

A:  oh goody...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  I’ve said it before, but you are an absolute wanker.

A:  yeah yeah go on

A:  so..

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  So I play polo. Quite a bit actually during the fall. And apparently playing an outdoor sport in a uniform almost every day isn’t agreeable with my costume.

A:  OMG OMG OMG

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Excuse me?

A:  YOU HAVE A FARMERS TAN!

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  A what?

A:  actually you probably have the opposite of a farmers tan...

A:  what is the opposite of a farmers tan?

A: the “royal I play polo and have never done any sort of manual labor in my life” tan?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  That’s needlessly specific. And rude.

A:  but not wrong...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Anyway, that is how I have found myself here.

A:  and you never actually said what here entails

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Aren’t you just eager to know.

A:  you messaged me, sweetheart

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Ah. Yes.

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Well, Bea decided that between the costume and the current state of my polo influenced skin that I should take on an artistic approach to marry the two for the upcoming party.

A:  jesus fuck that’s a lot of words for evading the question

A:  try again

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  ...

HRH Prince Dickhead 💩: I am, as I’ve been told it is very in Vogue these days, getting a spray tan.

A:  ...

A:  ...

A:  ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  I can hear your mockery and insolence through the dots.

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Please, by all means, don’t hold back.

A:  Ashdhfbfjdhsuifhsn

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Are you no longer functioning? I mean it was minimal to begin with, but at least you were able to form words.

A:  f

A:  f

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Alex? I’m quite concerned

A: [ friends I’m an 8.gif]

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Who is that? And no!

A:  And she really convinced you to do that without argument?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  No. There were words. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  She may have bribed me with Jaffa Cakes

A:  that’s all it took???

A:  you mean to tell me I could have put you in countless incriminating positions over the last weeks with the bribery of shitty wafer cookies and I haven’t been using this to my advantage???

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Alex. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Focus.

A:  i am

A:  i’m googling how much Jaffa cakes cost by the case as we speak

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Why, oh ancestors of mine, did I ever think this was a bright idea?

A:  too late for that. so how does this work? is it paint rollers? spray paint? a gloved hand with tinted oil?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  No. More of a booth.

A:  oh. Private...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  ...

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  You are a menace. And of course. Why would this be a public spectacle?

A:  because I’m sure the public would love to see you being bronzed up by a skilled artist in nothing but your...well what are you in?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Nosy. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  And are you trying, very ineloquently may I add, to ask what I am wearing?

A:  ineloquent my ass

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Noted. 

A:  did you ask for the glow of the one and only Alex Gabriel Claremont Diaz?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  You are a menace. 

A:  that’s been established. 

A:  do you not like my look?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Yes. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  No. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  What?

A:  and i’m ineloquent...

A:  but seriously. im picturing you being rubbed down like a bronze statue being polished 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Why in the heavens is that your default visualization of this situation?

A:  it’s not like i have first hand experience at this...

A:  i can hear your sigh from this side of the pond btw

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Basically it’s a booth and a nice spray artists instructed me to move in increasingly odd Ken doll positions and then tried to freeze my skin off with dye until I’m, as Bea said, “bronzed enough that no one will be blinded if the moon reflects off my skin.” And then stated that I’mnot to move for another 10 minutes until it dries. And here where are. And I am in swim trunks, thank you very much. 

A:  tell bea the unsuspecting public appreciates her efforts

A:  and i feel honored. out of all the people you could bother for a full ten minutes you chose me

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Thankfully we are closing in on the end of my drying time. 

A:  i at least get a pic, right?

A:  damn, a before and after would have been better. can’t believe I missed out on the not farmers tan

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  I think not. 

A:  ungrateful. 

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  Oh, look at that. I’m cleared to resume normal activities. 

A:  think shaan will give me bea’s number?

HRH Prince Dickhead  💩 :  I beg you to not. 

Fri, Nov 1, 4:03 PM

A:  [Daily Mail-Royal Halloween Bash.jpeg]

A:  I knew you asked for the AGCD glow...

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah. I wish I had the ability to draw and include a pic of Henry, Bea and Pez in costume. But alas, I do not. Hope you enjoyed! Kudos and comments make my day! And yell at me on tumblr so I actually finish my wips @karmiky


End file.
